## I normally drink decaf but they ran out so T. made me a normal espresso and [this is the way the beans juiced me this time](https://open.spotify.com/track/1lbjDy6IIerHFGZWKG0hno?si=e099c399738f44bc) i've never allowed myself to believe that my work is to write though it only becomes more true not because of some writerly conceit but because as those of us with this affliction learn it is the thin veil which separates us from madness and so long as you keep hearing out both sides not because you are a nice person but because you are one who understands passion cools in the face of mortality (some english theologian said that) so long as you do not fear the season of death your written thoughts take on a new breath that thinks not of exhibiting a leadership in thought (of all things) that is not trying to sell but rather make the sort of decisions that honor the buried (of course that sells) because you are not writing to make a living you are writing to make the dead alive so you no longer have to ask again am i having grace for my beloved or am i making myself the lesson? unfortunately both can be true at once and this is the thorn you leave the garden with and bring to the office but first check J. is still at the shop and T. is at the bar so you know the world has continued to turn in the only direction it can which is an identified orbit above your pay grade while you can only try to perceive is the ground shaking under our feet? at the bar it is flat well more than flat it is more sure than you were when you left home for new york the first of three times you would be unemployed and uninsured yet made the mistake of telling mom your period didn't come in those first three months isn't it strange how relieved you can be when blood returns? isn't it strange how quickly the situation ship and the strangership and the strange friendship burn at the stake become your heart? did you even watch that movie that said not to dance on sinking ships? but if god made man why would he stop at the brain? you bag up the leaves for the year and wait for the day of the gaze that renders someone more faithful to their beloveds not less wait for the day where all you had to do was stay